Adoption Language

Adoption is unfamiliar territory for many people.  Because all of our children were adopted we have included some examples of what to say and what to try to avoid.  Don't feel bad if you have ever used a "do not" example (even we slip from time to time).

Here are a few of the most common things that make us cringe:

- Real parents -

Where/who is their real mom (or real dad)?  The correct terms to use is birthmom/birthdad or biological mom/dad.  Real parents?... So that makes us what?… the fake parents?  It discredits the love and devotion that a parent has for their adoptive children.  It is also very confusing/hurtful to children who were adopted (and their siblings) to hear someone directly ask their mom about their mom as if they aren’t the same person.  After having this happen our children have questioned whether or not they will be part of our family permanently (as if there is another family out there that they, or their brother/sister, might someday go live with instead.). Our children know exactly who their birthmothers are and who their mom is… they know the difference… and they love both.  So, please don’t refer to their birthmoms as ‘real mom’ or mom.

- Real siblings -

Do they have any real sibling?  Again, this is confusing/hurtful and implies that their brothers and sisters are something other than real or authentic.  Our children ARE real siblings and they love each other just as much as any biological siblings.  The terms birthbrother/birthsister or biological siblings are appropriate.

- Give up -

A birthparent does not give up their child for adoption.  However, a birthparent does place their child for adoption.  You may think the difference is negligible, however "give up" implies a passive surrender or abandonment whereas "place" is an intentional action.  The decision to place a child in an adoptive family is one the hardest and most selfless decisions a birthparent will ever make.  The final decision to place a child for adoption is a sacrifice on the part of the birth parent who is putting the well-being of their child before their own, very much the opposite of "giving up".

- Is adopted -

Is your child adopted?  I know this one is tricky but a child who joins a family through adoption was adopted, not is adopted.  Adoption will always be an important part of their life - which they can be proud of - but is not a definition of who they are.  ‘Adopt' is a verb not an adjective and should be used as such (much like one does not say, "I am born.").

- Lucky kids -

They are so lucky that you adopted them! NO!...We are the lucky ones.  Saying that our kids are lucky to have been placed with us through adoption implies that they were inferior and somehow we ‘raised’ them up to our status.  Not so.  We are so blessed to have our amazing kids!